How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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