Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So here I am, sexting at work.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
