I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
