apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
