Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
