well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
