i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
