you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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