Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
