where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my sisters under your porch take her home
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
