thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
