The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I supernannyed him into submission
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
