he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize