By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
