My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
