Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Barsexuality is the new black.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
