did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
