I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
