dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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