wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize