She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This house was built for laser tag.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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