I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
