Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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