This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
organizing the empties. That sober.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
