oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
