Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
