guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
