I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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