if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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