I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
