it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize