If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
