Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
