Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
