You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
