I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
