I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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