I just made out with a guy for $7.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
