new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
