He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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