Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
