Just fell off a train. Bad.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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