i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
