In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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