You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
