the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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