My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
