a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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