after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
