do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
