at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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