FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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