I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
