just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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