his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize