So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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